it's just a habit now.

nonchalant.

just

part of a ritual.

the memories fade,

however fake and made up they are.

till another day.

until then

it'd just be

another routine.


im feeling

as jittery

as

when i entered bravo.

hopefully

my time at the new place

would be as fruitful

as at bravo.

I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but..

will you share

my joy.


funny.

i no longer find

solace

in blogging.

maybe

my mood is more neutral now.

or just alittle

numb.


ooo it's michael jacksons bday.

oh well.

it has been 5 months since i commissioned.

and about 5 more till i end my service.

and ive lost touch

with all the tactical combat stuff already.

i guess im very much less of a soldier

but more of a manager.

for i am an instructor (all the "commander" here "commander" there bullshit).

only the privilleged rare few better cadets

got the chance to be a real soldier.

im not complaining though.

im in the majority.

and i guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

it's a different kind of experience in all.

but i dont think a mediocre cadet

would necessarily make a lousy officer.

but just what

is a good officer?

it could be self consolation,

it could be jealousy

or it could really be a fact,

mixed with the above two.

i set out with an aim when i enlisted,

and this aim changed with time.

aims became goals.

reachable.

others

fell through the fingers.

they change.

too many and too cumbersome

to list all.

at least

i lead this life now with a purpose.

no matter how slight.

being an instructor is good.

i can mould lives.

but deep inside,

as like everyone else,

i yearn for more.

we all want to be better

to show the rest tat we are capable of more,

of greater things.

being an officer

is probably just a general platform.

being a good officer

is probably something we can all get to.

but being a real good combat officer

is something not many dare to take on

yet thirst for.

it may even take years for the majority

who dont have an express route.

being a big fish

in a small pond is nice and comfortable.

being a small fish

in a big pond is ordinary.

being a mediocre fish

in a big sea can raise eyebrows.

but being a big fish

in an ocean is impressive.

time has been so packed

and hectic

that i hadnt had much time to consider such stuffs anymore.

the upcoming posting

will be like a second chance for people like me.

but ultimately

underneath it all

i am still a big fish in a small pond.

nonetheless

i get to upgrade my worth and wealth.

something not everyone

has the opportunity to.


i haven't

been thinking much

lately.

haven't been talking either.

i haven't been able

to find you.

oh don't be a joke

i don't even know you.

maybe work

has made me

insane.

but that can't

really be the case can it?

'cause if it is

then work in the past

must have been torturous.

probably im just bored.

'cause i think

when i finally get to you

it wouldn't feel that

exhilarating anymore.

or maybe

i just need something

to remind me

of an unfinished past.

who cares now?

i think im crazy.

i actually induce heartaches

to get a kick out of it.

i think im really crazy.

but who can tell?

nobody.

why do i even bother?

i really dont know.

maybe i want to win.

maybe

i just can't forget.

or maybe i tend

to remember things more vividly

when they are etched into the heart

rather than memorised by the head.

maybe

im just crazy.

ain't i?

i don't feel satisfied

after writing this entry.

in fact i feel like

i've left out something

which would allow the whole

emotion to flood out.

i think im just crazy.


im tired of this army life.

not that i dislike ns

but the place is dull

days are routined

things are mundane.

i guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

but im sure i have learnt alot of other different stuff

than when in ocs.

oh well.

I WILL OVERCOME ADVERSITY

WITH COURAGE

FORTITUDE

AND DETERMINATION.
_____________________
yawns.


i like to sleep.

coz then

i would forget everything.

therefore

i hate mornings.


we dont get to choose what we get.

some days

times are good.

some days

times are not.

this week had been one of those black weeks

where i wished i had convinced myself to remain at bravo.

but then again

it may be as chaotic and unsatisfying over there too.

i dont even know what im complaining about.

look ass once told me that i was too afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

she could be right after all.

but

how are you able to work when you are unwilling and unmotivated?

and maybe

humans get bored of the same routine easily

especially in a world as small as mine.

i think im an irony myself.

bored.


my first batch graduated last week.

almost the same time

that i graduated from tekong last year.

a thank you

was all that was needed

to make me the happiest man that day.

a feeling

rivalled only

by the emotions on 21 march 2009.


back to a place.

where i have no longing

but i have a responsibility.



where i have no potential

but i have opportunities.



where it is relentless

but it is pivotal.


back to a place

where i have a duty to accomplish.


“I believe there's a hero in all of us that keeps us honest,gives us strength,makes us noble,and finally allows us to die with pride,even though sometimes we have to be steadyand give up the thing we want the most.Even our dreams.”

really


you just work

and work

and work
and work

and work
and work.

day in

day out

you just work

and work
and more work.

no one stopped by

to say

thank you

or

go rest

or

you did enough.

because

to everyone else

it's never enough.

people are always thinking that

they are always doing more than others.

and then

people get their priorities wrong.

and tempers flare.

at times

there is no control

no coordination

no centralised decision.

all ad hoc

autonomous

mood variated.

but then

you just work

and work

and work

and work.

because you know you have to.

because there are people out there

depending on you.

and so you work

and work
and work.

you try alot to control your temper

to prevent spoiling the day.

because the show must go on.

and then there are glitches to solve.

but the show will go on.

you know that there are people helping you

to the best of their ability.

you know there are still some who follow your charge.

but

you also know

there are some

who put in only adequate effort

to clear their responsibilities.

but you do not blame them.

all blame will be directed to you

which is correct

since you are the one organising and executing and coordinating.

you are responsible for every activity, movement and fault.

and so you work

and work

and work.

and you realise

there are also some who will hypnotise you.

you think you have friends.

but

you are never sure

who those friends really are.

there is always one

or two

who will walk

by your side.

but it's not fair

for them to always

trail your trail.

they get tired too.

but there are no willing replacements.

but you still work

and work
and work
and work.

because you know ultimately

you will answer for your own conduct.

your name is at stake.

so you work

and work.

after hours.

after dark.

rest time

you still work.

because you know you have to.

and then

everyone gets frustrated.

just one spark

to ignite the explosion.

and then

here comes the opportunity seekers.

"i am an angel in the devil's lair!"

but you still have to work

and work
and work

and work.

like a god damn forsaken

dog.


i feel so tired.

i wished i had more time.

i wished i did not have to do anything.

i wished i could stop and just see the world pass me by.

i wished someone would understand.

i wished to know of someone who is worse off than me.

i wished i could do something else.

but i know i cant.

it has been one long year.

it has been two even longer years.

soon it will be three before i know it.

i wished i had more energy to see myself through.

i wished i have more positivity inside.

i wished life would get better.

i feel so tired.


all the while

i had known

that reality dont meet ideals.

but i also know

that i can close that margin.

but sometimes

i just need

to get away

from all of that

retreat to a slower quieter less stressful place.

but

time is so limited.

im tired.


some things

just dont change.

no matter

how much you think that you can forget it

or how much you try to believe that it's over.

it never will be.

i can hardly describe

the feeling inside now.

i think i understand

but i dont think i do

by virtue of the fact

that i think that im thinking that i understand.

it's quite a feeling.

makes one more human again.

"like how much you..."


oh well.

see ya 2 weeks later.


i was pleasantly surprised

that the juniors

would still invite us to their gatherings.

though i was the only old bird

to turn up today.

i guess

the impact of us seniors

did last on them.

i hope.

such are the intangibles

which will be kindly rewarded

to the deserving.

yesterday

i told nengjie

it was face value vs intrinsic value.

that is the answer

which i had been searching for a month

and possibly the past year.

its no longer about

self esteem,

grades,

social status

or boasting power.

it is a duty.

not yet a calling

but nonetheless a moral obligation.

the officer's creed,

one which i pledge to do

and the one whom i pledged to be.

the officer corp is mine to uphold.


im easily irritated tonight.

my mum keeps annoying me

by talking too much.

ill be off to another place tomorrow.

bye.


march 21.

the remaining 8 odd hours.

we'll be leaving safti

bravo wing

platoon 2.

i'll be sad.

it has been long

and i want to run away from that place

but i also want to stay.

for my friends

are the ones who kept each other together.

but let me put that aside for now.

for tonight,

watch me shine.


i like my blog.

and i like to sleep.

coz then

my troubles would go away.

acpc yesterday was good.

almost 9/10 there to being a full fledged infanteer.

or so i thought.

velden said

take your job seriously

but dont take yourself too seriously.

yu tse said

i tend to run away from my problems

(and so does he).

yan zhi has this on his facebook

“I believe there's a hero in all of us that keeps us honest,
gives us strength,
makes us noble,
and finally allows us to die with pride,
even though sometimes we have to be steady
and give up the thing we want the most.
Even our dreams.”

they re all right.

but i have a stubborn tendency

to stick to my thinking

and accept those only that has a ring to it.

i like to be in camp

where im with all my friends,

whom i wouldnt see anymore in a week's time,

rather than be cooped up at home

and let thoughts run wild all over again.

but ironically i sometimes wish to be alone.

honestly

i have trouble squaring away with myself.

i dont get what i want

and i get upset.

yet in the first place

i didnt fight hard enough to secure it.

rehearsals are tiring.

but i guess it would be worth it.

and i will surely miss ocs by then.

and they should give me an ivory bayonet

for being the first to run around the parade square.

i think i should write

a memoire on my infantry life

before it fades into oblivion

due to my unintended and helpless negligence.

well.

i shall bask in the joy ( and pain)

of my final week.

till then.


thursday

was the rarest moment

that i felt so proud of bravo.

there was unprecedented spirit

and unison.

regardless of how much we whine

and grumble all the time,

it is still possible to summon the strength

to fight and really win.



PAC champions.


and so

by another 30 days

another phase of my life will pass.

id probably write about my exploits

that 30 days later.

i was initially feeling light and all relaxed.

finally after a long time,

this would be one weekend

which would entail sleep ins

lazy afternoons

and sinful indulgence.

for some time last week

and the weeks before,

i was satisfied at not being satisfied.

i gave the reason

that this was not my thing,

that i could not perform if i dont like it

and so i would be content to run behind.

unlike the past,

where i soared in everything

where i had the desire to do so

and the reluctance to not lose to people.

on the flip side

i was contemplating

a decline in my intellectual capability,

my resistance,

fighting spirit,

and inate strengths.

i am now lazy

and weak,

forever giving excuses to underperform,

to skive.

i have denied it for a long time,

but today i will blurt it out to the world

because i can't bear with myself anymore.

yet at this point of time

i dont feel the urge to work harder

i just want to resign and float to wherever

the tide brings me.

when was the last time i felt real satisfaction with myself?

pure joy radiating from the inside?

genuine and lasting sense of achievement.

i think i have rested too much in jc.

only contented with my 4As

and uber nice class.

period.

that had taken a toll on me.

im ambitious.

i dont like to have only the minimum.

yet,

on the one hand

it feels as if fate doesnt want to give me any chances.

on the other

it appears that im the one who's not giving me a chance.

at every phase of my life

there needs to be a milestone,

yet i have missed almost two already.

only an empty shield lies in the place of what

ought to be a shimmering medalion.

people have overtaken me.

i have lagged behind by alot.

yet theres no way for me to crawl back.

i choose to sleep it through

to wash it to the back of my mind.

i am passive.

i am complacent.

i am arrogant.

i keep looking back

to the days where i had a shining star

and the ever present aurora of glamour.

that's no good.

but what do i do?

the future is blur

and dark.

my friends are swords of merit.

my friends are going to be swords of merit.

my friends are scholars.

my friends have gone to cambridge, warwick, sheffield, imperial, upenn, ucl, edinburgh, lse, dartmouth.

im only gonna be another commissioned officer.

im only gonna be another statistic for the business school.

i feel

inferior.

i think my life has stalled to a cruise.

i have a happy family,

a hardworking brother,

a doting grandmother.

that would greatly please a salaryman.

but not me.

because thats not MY achievements

and i need more than that.

i think i have many friends

but i spend alot of time talking to myself.

i feel

inferior.

the above entry wont do any good

to the image im giving people.

yet as much as i care about how i am looked upon by others,

i feel a need to let go of my inner struggle.

however,

this is not doing too much good

because it is just another repetition

and explanation of the many previous entries of mine.

two weeks ago

i came to realise the weight of officership that would soon rest upon all of us.

and so i asked myself

how do i live with passion

and lead with compassion?

i promised myself and my future men, if any,

that i would never commit the mistakes that many of my officers did.

but today

i question

the ability of myself

to lead my own life as a person

that i want to be.

i was an iron clad sergeant major,

an egoistic cadet lieutenant,

an authoritative councillor,

a proud trainer,

a crazy friend,

a passionate lover,

a sanely insane.

but today

i am humbled.

i no longer possess the self esteem of yester year.

i no longer stick my nose into the air.

i no longer think im good.

i no longer tell people im good.

i can no longer put on airs.

i can no longer afford to wait to be noticed.

i am back at ground zero.

worse,

i am beneath the earth.

why?

i have lost the passion and love in life.

i have lost the tinge of supremacy that kept me going for all the years.

i have lost the feeling of being special.

i have lost people to time.

i have lost people i love and people who loved me.

but then

i am so young.

barely 20.

not that young anymore.

once people turn 20

they ought to know where theyre headed.

i dont.

i still live as if im still 16.

partly rebellious

partly submissive

totally lost.

i have run out of words.

but my heart is still heavy.

most recently

only lene could present me with bundles of joy and apprehension.

but that recent was almost 2 years ago.

we didnt end very well.

we didnt really end.

see how far ive drifted?

please make me feel special again.


one more month of pro term.

a few more missions exercises and stuff.

so why do i feel as if somethings bugging me?

i think im procrastinating too much.

whatever.

onward comrade.

i'll be finished before i know it.


crescendo down.

it's back to home.

chinese moo year.

get fat season.

i want to rip open my ribs

tear out my heart

and throw it away.

maybe then

it'll be better.


be back on the eve

of cny eve.

im gonna be an ong bak.


i think of

lene

more and more these days.

ya and i dont deny it.

it has been what?

2 years since you abruptly appeared

and more than half a year

since i last saw you.

friends can make you

so happy,

yet make you realise

how miserable you are,

coz sometimes

you dont get to see those

whom you really want to see.

it's always the same.

writing in this blog

deep into the night.

but i like this blog.

gives me a sense

of self belonging.

my knee is hurting more and more.

crescendo is coming.

no peace for 19 days.

i wished

i had the power to make things happen.

i want to be the best

yet i dont want to work hard.

i want to catch the game

yet i dont know how to hunt.

i have so much passion

yet there is no way to express it.

life is full of ironies.

at this point of time

i really dont want to wake up.

i ran out of my beloved coffee hagen dazz.

so i have to make do with vanilla.

im so gonna go to sleep without brushing my teeth.

you know how

i always complain how ns cuts me off from the world?

i guess im just isolating myself.


sometimes

it's either

you get too idealistic

or you've seen better things

and thus

you become unsatisfied,

to so much an extent

that

you find things around you disgusting

disgraceful

and all things bad.

but then again

you aint that perfect

wonderful

supreme either.

so does that give you

any right to complain?

and then

like always

you start to lose faith

and feel that

all the pomp is not as great as they make it out to be.

so what can be done, you ask.

go with the flow,

take the easy route out.

or

busy yourself

be unafraid to communicate and interact,

though it will make you feel repulsive.

but then

without learning, getting scolded and working

you will never learn

and never be able to avoid the mistakes

that you have seen so far.

now,

you can take this 2 years as an extra curricular activity

simply to pass time

like what many are doing.

or

you can start thinking

like a responsible citizen.

you are a little torn between the two.

the first as always

sounds hugely tempting

but

after listening to those people who matter

and being the so-deep-in-thought self

you kinda want to make sure your two years work out,

and further equip you for the unexpected future.

______________________________________

returned from dump in yesterday morning.

my feet stink.

going to tom yam land next sunday.

the subsequent days will be superbly messy.

as usual.

just feeling alittle disturbed

and ill prepared.

merry xmas.


again.

i feel the same

listlessness

irritation

dissatisfaction

and emptiness inside.

block leave is ending

and it's back to camp.

i have the urge again.

the urge

to break free

and soar.


A celebration of personal mastery.

71/08 commissioned yesterday.

many friends

from all the arms were there.

received alot of angbaos too.

when the peak caps flew,

you could feel it.

everyone could.

all the ooooohss and aaaahhs preceding the throw

resonated throughout the grand stand,

without fail

at every commissioning parade.

the tears

frustration

and chore

that accumulated from the ardously long 9 1/2 months

all exploded in a supernova of jubilation last night.

for a moment

safti was rid of all gloom.

for all that matters,

the denial of an early book out

and the menial chores

were effortless.

yesterday was theirs.

21 march

will be

MINE.



________________
faster, further, stronger.


back

for xmas.


ok.

i admit

im starting to feel alittle jittery.

okay,

VERY JITTERY

AHHHHH

okay,

ill be back to see the world on 7 dec.

ahhh.


im eating my maggie mee.

im supposed to be asleep though,

like 3 hrs ago.

i was on facebook just now.

browsing through the profiles

of those i know

and peeping at some whom i dont.

i went out earlier in the evening.

feels good to spend your time

elsewhere.

people are getting prettier out there.

it had been three long weeks.

with three even longer ones to come.

i feel wasted.

and really tired.

sometimes

you feel like you cant depend on anyone

and this time

it's not a feeling,

it is how it is.

i know i wont be the best,

but neither will i settle for the worst.

i am an infantry cadet.

an infantry cadet i will be.


3x exercises last week.

another 3 more this coming week.

one last week of last minute prep

then off to jungle land i go.

tired.

let time fly more quickly.

and let me live well.

heal my heart

soul

and

ankle.


i packed my bags and kissed my wife

headed for the army life.

i packed my bags and kissed my wife

in the early morning rain.

i told my son not to cry

but i had tears in my eyes.

i told my son not to cry

in the early morning rain.

okay

its not morning

nor is it raining

but ohwell

im going back.

ciao.


i have no idea

for how long

will i

be able

to keep this false calmness.

i cant

wait to burst

burst out of this shell.

it's so small

it's suffocating

and my iTOUCH

will only be delivered next week.

im no longer

a sierra warrior.

im now a bravo

newbie,

along with 15 others.

i guess

thats probably

the main thing

thats bugging me now.

i wouldnt mind

spending

a whole pro term in sierra

even if it was for INFANTRY.

but then again,

who would?

i'm really bored tonight.

i wished time would stop.

like REALLY REALLY stop.

okay better not.

that would mean

a longer time

till commission.

now the stakes have risen.

a higher probability of ooc

a higher probability of EXTRAS

like REALLY REALLY HIGHER

a VERY LIKELY possibility of negligible bookouts

like VERY VERY LIKELY

sometimes

i really hate it

when people

get to walk the easy route

but i on the other hand

have to FIGHT my way through

like REALLY FIGHT.

but in the end

bother of us reach the SAME destination.

like REALLY SAME DESTINATION.

fast forwardmy life man.

like REALLY.

GET IT MOVVVINGGGGG

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH


i dont want to march on alone.

tonight

feels like

one of those

pre A levels-blues

kind of night.

where it's cold

and quiet

save for the music playing

in the back.

and you know

you have another pile

of notes to read,

and you cant sleep till it's done

and where you tell everyone

you're alright

but actually

you really want someone

to sit beside you

and tell you

"it's alright

ill be around, just if you need me".

those kind of nights.

but on the contrary,

you know that

you're really alone.

and that they will not know

how you are,

till you tell them.

but then again,

they may just be too busy themselves

to really care bout you.

yea.

those kind of nights.

have you ever had them?


one more week

left in sierra.

it has been

a love-hate relationship

with her.

but i guess

ultimately

i will be reluctant

to leave this place.

with a bar heavier

next week,

my shoulders

arms

legs

back

soul

and heart

will correspondingly weigh more.

for

i will be off

to another wing,

off to an infantry life.


it's a deep black hole.

but afterall

it's only gonna be 5 months

in training

and 2 years of my life.

you will watch me

commission

next march.

just you wait.


jcc upon my chest.

ref: july 20, sunday.

where's the big glorious aim

everyones talking about?

ans: maybe this is where it lies.

i've got a mountain to scale.

literally too.


september 2 already.

11 weeks in service term already.

3 more to go

till the end.

and then it's another 6 more months.

somehow life

isnt how it seemed it would be.

i'm just lingering

and floating where the wind carries me.

there's no adrenaline

anymore.

no satisfaction.

just accomodating to the demands of others.

it just feels like

a one man

world.


i think im godly.

i survived

2 x soc

1 x route march

1 x fast march

1 x ippt

and 1 x 9km run

all in one week,

and managed to come home in one piece

though book out was albeit late,

2330.

i'm proud to be an army wing cadet,

all you waterbois and kite flying kiddos

can just watch us win the day.

field camp next week.

off to teeeeekong for 10 days.

nvm.

wo hui ao chu yi ge chun tian lai.

this week had been so rush

and hectic

and extra extremely tiring,

considering all the effort we put in

and the results yielded.

it was a good week.

however,

it's just that sometimes,

despite all the commotion

and noise

and adrenaline rushes

that i hear,

notice,

and feel,

my heart is stoney and lonely.

on good days like these,

i am able to stand tall

and step on the shoulders of others.

but on other days,

i'll just crumble right from the inside.

i yearn for a break,

a holiday,

a breather.

i yearn for

the release of my soul.

i yearn for someone,

just someone

to say "eh good job"

or "hang in there"

or "you are missed"

or "hope to see you soon"

or "i wished you were here".

all of which are luxuries

that i cannot afford,

for a very very long time.

just give me a sweet dream

every night.

that will at least

ease the ache

for the time being.


he said

there will be times

when the courage

in your heart

and in your soul

will diwndle,

but never

ever

ever

give up,

unless on grounds of strong morality.

i'm afraid now.

i'm worried now.

i'm feeling less than ordinary now.

where's the perk?

why ain't i

feeling inspired?

where am i going?

why are others getting scholarships

awards

going to imperial, yale

while ill be spending my time

at nus business

with some cheapo study award only.

why dont i feel

even a slight tinge of special-ness

and omph of being in ocs,

while others would die to get in?

how can i ever

fight on

with such a heavy heart?

i am really sick of talking to myself

all day long.

telling others

this will all be worth it

when i can't even convince myself.

i'm sick of the people

i have to face everyday,

act and smile

as if i need them.

lta selwyn said

there's always something

to learn everyday.

that journey has kinda stopped dead

in its tracks.

and then he said

greatness is born out of difficult times.

it's ironic how life is so easy

and mundane

and how much urge ive lost.

where am i heading?

where's the big great glorious aim

everyones talking about?

im not looking forward to that.

currently

i look forward to my new asics shoes

to be delivered

and using my new gillete fusion shaver.

its embarassing how low life has got

for me.

is there something wrong with me?

someone tell me

please.

i dont want to start another conversation

with myself.


i have never

missed

my friends

that much before.

i feel

very exhausted

today.

hopefully the coming week

will be better.

it was good

having to see

my friends again

yesterday,

and talk to those

whom i wanted to talk to so much.

there's still

a long long way ahead.

i will survive.

golf wing the best HOOYAH

fight on


okay.

here goes.

it's gooodbye world again.

for 18 days first.

hah.

jezz do it man.

at the end,

i hope it's all worth it.

there'll surely

be times when i'll feel like dying,

and times when i'll feel like,

dying.

but nonetheless,

jezz do it.

i'm still searching

for my direction and aim.

goodbye kids.

see ya soon.

SOOOOOOOOON. nehbong.


your past

never quite go away

and we never

quite got there.

then again

there wasn't

really a "we"

more of a

"I".

i cant get pass it.

no i can't.

whenever there's nothing to do

or think

it just comes back

back

back.

all over.

why do i

always

feel broken?

when will i ever

be whole again?

sing a song

for you

and

for me.


pop loh!

every time i return home

for the weekend

it feels like a super long ncc activity.

hooohooo

nonetheless it's all over.

gonna miss my section

and all the other keesiao kias.

haish.

oh wells.

i guess some things

happen onyl when you're willing

to put effort into them.

i feel like sleeping.

why does bmt feel

like another ocip

or adventure camp?

haha.


on such a gloomy day

you realise you have

no one to call

or message.

[[=]]

was so much of a past thing.

no one is to mention the c word again.

it's taboo.

it has been so long since

i felt any sense of self satisfaction

and gratification.

why am i always

so close yet so far?

nan dao shi

xiao shi liao liao da wei bi jia?

i kinda miss jc

and the skirts.

well

three more to pop.

then 12 days leave.

and off to screw-you-hard land again.

off to shower

and back to camp.

bye darlings

remember to sing yourselves a song,

one for me too

if you have the time.


once again

music is my respite.

im just glad im home

away from the hypocrites

heartbreakers

and all the stress.

and once again

i can hardly describe how im feeling right now.

i just want to be alone

but ironically

i dont feel like being alone.

please

carry me home

to the place i belong.


kana cb.

this could be the longest

time that i stopped blogging.

one more week to pOp.

like omg.

kana.

very often

im always so close to being the top

but i just slide down all of a sudden.

and end up at some mediocre top place.

like what the kana cb you knowwww.

i think im gonna accept nus biz,

plus some study award thingy,

which is actually quite noob.

but aiya

just take it man.

what to do,

who asked me to give up so many chances.

anyways

we're gonna pop loh!

which is both a sad and happy thing.

labong sias.

this means more shitS to come,

new people to screw around with,

and a new phase of life.

haish.

why are you always not there?

why am i always so deprived of things people have

but i dont and i really want.

this kana f cb you noeeeeeeeeee.

the stars dont shine on me tonight.


home never felt better.

bmt is a little boring.

but i'll hold up strong

and sail through it

like how i do for everything,

for i am not to be trampled

nor put down neither would i be let down

because failure is not an option.

the aligned stars

never really meant anything.

it's just lip service.

they can't do anything to cure the loneliness.

going back tmr evening.

i'm going in to be trained as a soldier

not a celebrity,

in the early morning run

when the cold wind blows.


alrighty baby.

i'm all set and ready

to ROOOAAAARRR.

i even shaved my head

by myself.

damn i'm good.

but it kinda sucks

knowing that you only began bmt

when everyone is either

at ocs or sispec.

and no one i know

is going in the same time as me

save joo.

IT'S OKAY.

SERVITUDE TO NATION!

tmd 2 weeks plus to book out

sibei long la.

please dont forget i existed.


hello earth.

this is the last week

that i'll be in your embrace.

for come next week,

i'll be in the arms of nature.

i'd say

i've spent alot more time

with myself these days.

i can't say i understood myself better.

all that happened

was that i got more confused.

hmmm.

i shan't feel guilty

'bout doing absolutelty nothing at all

with no plans for the day

and any activities would be impromtu.

this period will probably be the only time

that i'll ever get to do whatever i want

and have all the time to myself.

well,

i think.

i find it so hard

to express in words now.

i just pray good things

will come my way.


thursday was my most happening day of the week.

goodness.

being out with gaobean yewshoe and long hair

is already such a blast.

imagine getting 4 free movie ticket

from some random stranger

that popped out of nowhere,

after feeling doomed

to watch some ulu jap movie

called crows angel,

which was supposed to be some

uni movie screening event

plus

one ticket was supposed to

be for admission into another cinema hall.

oh holy.

and the highlight

being the ultimate coincidences

associated with THE GROUP.

content censured

due to sensitivity issues.

oh mama.

oh ben n jerrys v nice,

and their retail assistants got qc check one.
________________________________

the most gratifying thing

of being a senior

is to see your xiao di dis and xiao mei meis

really learn and pick up new skills,

even though they never said thankew,

and push through all odds.

yayness over the rainbow.

ill miss you hctkd

holy mama.


i have the habit

of peeking at my jnrs' blogs

especially after big events

like the march camp,

just to read into their

pre and post activities emotions.

well ive only

been able to find the girls' blogs.

but am i glad

that all is fine and well.

my time is really up.

and i really shouldnt

appear at their trainings anymore.

go rvncc.

embrace the world.

it is yours to conquer.

rvncc will forever be my unit.

i wonder

where my loyalty will lie

next time in NS


the initial yayness

and hoo ya

have worn off.

now goes,

"what next?"


sometimes

it's better to dig up

all the past dirt

and feel hurt

than to have nothing

to do at all.

A levels will be out tmr.

goodness.


i wished i never had to meet you.

some places still hurt.


i dunnoe man.

i feel like crap these days.

i wish life

would resume

to the familiar routine.


sometimes

small little things

can irritate me

and make me feel annoyed

for the whole day.

and in many of these sometimes,

even smaller things

can ease the frustration

and torment of such

self imposed irritation.

such as the laughter

of people around me

and my all so adorable juniors

and to hear how much

theyve enjoyed and appreciated [hc:tkd].

this is enough

to make me go back often

to see them

(and help them in their patterns

no matter how much i suck at doing them).

most importantly,

they allow a post-jc 19 year old

who's feeling as if the world

stopped spinning

to feel that the it

just started moving again.


i wished

there was a backspace key

for me to hit.

and a click-drag-highlight-delete function.


damn tired.

sometimes

i wished if i could

have everything i wanted.

or if i could give up some things

in exchange for others.


ni wei she me

mei ci

dou rang wo zhe me shi wang

rang wo na me shang gan.

ta men shuo,

zong you yi tian

wo hui zao dao

shu yu wo de tian di.

it's goddamn like chocolate ice cream.

i should have

quit my chocolate addiction.


it's like eating chocolate ice cream.

once you start the first scoop

you won't stop.

then after a while,

you'll feel guilty for eating so much

and your throat will hurt.

so you put the tub

back into the freezer

and wash the spoon.

but

after a while,

the craving comes on

again.

and so you walk to the fridge

open the door,

and remove the tub.

once you startthe first scoop,

you won't stop.

but then,

after a while,

you'll feel guilty for eating so much

and your throat starts to hurt.

so you put the tub

back into the freezer

and wash the spoon.

but after a while

the craving comes on once again

and you walk to the fridge

and pull open the door.

i feel like that kid.

i can eat tub after tub

of ice cream.

but i can't

make the ice cream

stay in my mouth

forever.


ohmigod.

insomia.

ohmigod

my speakers/subwoofer/sound card

abled comp broke down.

ohmigod.

now i wished

ns would pass quickly.

ohmigod.

i miss school.

ohmigod.

im running out of things to say.

ohmigod.


i was strongly reluctant

to post over

my previous

brilliant beautiful

post.

but i have the sudden urge

to enter an entry.

perhaps

ill upload more photos

after this post.

like ohmigod

the year's over.

sia la

2008 already.

the apparent time lag

could be attributed

to a certain distraction

from time

and

awareness of one's surrounding.

and the distraction

has decided

to make herself scarce.

it's an irony.

the disappearance

of the distraction

is a distraction itself.

yawns. sleep first.












my wife


is a japanese


ice cream girl.


i love her chestnut


with green tea.












i could get used


to this life.










no

not me.













the abominable


train lineS.












my all time favourite


toilet bowl.


complete with


adjustable potty warmer temperature,


user controlled


butt washer


and customised flushing sound.











they said


i couldn't cross my legs


properly.




















the gods couldn't


grant my wishes.


i should have


learnt nippon-nese


before going.













ice cream


makes me mad.


















my wife's boss


was a possessive


old lonely woman.


so i took one of these


instead.


















i apologise


for the apparent lack


of the acclaimed


miniskirts.


i was travelling with my mum.













i'm sure


my wife would love


to wear a kimono


on every other week.












i have


moved.




















wah.

so fat.



















suagu one.

never see fireplace before.
















wow.
















wow2.














wow3.
















i wished

i had that.


















parting was


always sad.


but no fret.


i brought back


lots of


war throphies.


minus the ice cream gal.


it's an abnormal relationship

which i dont

want to waste

any more time on.

it's not worth it.

at all.

i want

to get my mind off it.

yea

i guess you're right.

you're not worth my time.

neither am i worth yours.


i feel

hurt

blinded

listless

let down

insulted

and lonely.

it's retribution.


i wish

i could stay

in miniskirt land

forever.

or fall asleep

and continue dreaming

till eternity.

i

HATE

it here.


it's annoying.

the moment i land,

all the previous worries come rushing back.

shall talk about

my dream of

marrying off to japan

when im in the mood.


for now,

its byebye spore

and hello japan.

be back in 8 days.


i wanna die.

i never wanted

something

more.

they sent us

to the front.

they said it'd be easy.

just kidnap the man

set the charges

and run.

but we got trapped.

it was an ambush.

they never

never

NEVER

GODDAMN

INTENDED FOR US

TO MAKE IT OUT OF THERE.

now im all alone.

they sent me to hell.

and they simply

brush it aside.

waiting for it to just disappear

and fade out of the books.

im a victim.

they killed me.


sometimes,

i really wished

that i was science inclined.

in a society like ours,

we don't have

the luxury

time

nor money to pursue

something we like

and still earn enough

to feed ourselves.


suddenly,

i feel

let down,

again.


sometimes

it's easier

and better

to live

in

dreams.


ohmigod

i just watched 8 episodes

of pb3

ahhhh.

okay.

im talking to myself again.


i like the night.

im sleeping later

and later

and later.

and waking up

often pass noon.

i like to turn up

the volume on the comp at this time.

but everytime

my bro comes back

i have to turn it off

for fear

of him mocking my choice of songs.

nights set me thinking.

a pity,

the nights are incredibly short.

damn.

now i wish

i could enlist soon.


it's funny

how things seem to

make their way to you

no matter what.

but its like something

without an end.

only a start.

time that i give in.

i wish

and hope

and even dream

about it in dreams.

if only life's

as obliging.


i return home.

and all of a sudden,

everything became so



open ended.

there was nothing

to look forward to.

there wasn't

anyone at home.

there were no calls,

no messages,

no nothing.

suddenly,

i have all the time

in the world.

yet

nothing to occupy them.

there wasn't any feeling

during prom,

after prom,

during post prom,

and after post prom,

save for the

more than often

toilet urges.

suddenly then,

time passed so quickly.

and

dawn came.

as quickly as time passed,

it came to a slow.

and then sped up again.

chalet came and went.

it was like i never went.

only remnants are the

fading crotch ache

and a bad stomach

as well as a distant nagging.

all these

are just illusions.

and then

everything revert to normalcy.

yet

it feels so strange.

and where are you?

can't you be accomodating for once?

i haven't asked for anything

have i?

now all i ask

is for you to be materially around.


i'm irritated.

when are you coming home?

after tomorrow?

please let you be safe,

i pray.

has something happened?

gosh.

i feel so helpless.

i haven't seen you

in a good four days.


the nights

are getting harder

and harder to endure.

you entered without warning,

and now

i guess you're gonna leave

without saying goodbye either.

i guess you're done

with me.

but you'll be back again,

when you feel like.

and then

probably leave once more.

maybe you're right,

we're from different worlds.

you don't want

to be seen,

because you feel

you won't be able to find

eternal happiness,

permanent protection

or an everlasting hinterland.

if i were in your world,

i'd probably feel as such.

what an irritating place

the world is,

or rather,

the worlds are.


除了想你除了爱你

我什么什么都愿意

这感情不值得我犹豫

不值得我考虑

不值得我爱过你

这种回忆不值得我提起

不值得想起

不值得哭泣

这段感情早就应该放弃

早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹


A's ended last week.

i'm a free man.

we all are now.

life's good,

yet there's one last thing that's bugging.

and i have a flair for attracting

troubled

distraught

people.

nothing harmful though.

it's just that,

this time

im the one who's disturbed.

for once,

this is something out

of my control.


i dug out all the letters

from the two shoeboxes.

and read them.

the letters span

a from 2002 to 2006.

with the end of A's

it'd be a definite closure,

of the life in jc.

im glad im not that attached to hwachong

or the people ive met in hwachong.

cause then,

it'd be easier to part.


dreams.

a fighter's inspiration?

or

a coward's false impression and fantasy?


what keeps you going?

is it the thought

of not wanting to lose

to the asshole beside you,

whose brain is so large

that it amounts to 10 million chinkiats?

is it the thought

of lavishing in the pure joy

of total freedom after the exams?

is it the thought

of someone silently backing you

all the way to the end?

is it the thought

of self fulfillment and satisfaction?

is it the thought

of not letting god down( whatever that means)?

is it the thought

of not wanting to leave any regrets,

so that you can go crazy

and run around naked in a skin cut hairstyle

next march

even though there ain't no

perfect score?

for me,

it was not wanting

to lose to the assholes

in front, behind,

to the left and to the right of me

whose brains can fit 10 million chinkiats

and maybe another 5 thousand prcs.

im a primate.

survival is instinct.

but now,

i just seek self fulfillment.

to fight hard,

and leave no regrets.

i cannot get 95 for maths

neither can i get 80 for physics.

i may not even get straight As.

but it doesn't matter,

'cause smart genes don't run in me,

i won't do myself a disservice

as long as i leave no regrets.

taken from the great words

of sir martin koh (wherever he is now).


the night beckons.

what a cold

solemn

unexciting

starless

silent night.

interrupted only

by the static of the radio

and occasional outbursts of commercials

on the tv.

i dont feel like sleeping just yet.

life at this point is so utilitarian.

ive got to sleep,

TYSes await.

just when you feel like you need

someone who's as insane to be awake at this time

in the midst of As,

you realised

you have no friends to message or call.

all you can do

is to keep the lonely heart

upbeat

with the music on your player.


it'd be fine,

if i fight

and leave no room for regrets.

wo gen ni ping ming le

si wang ba dan.


SHA GUO LAI LE!

like what the hell,

it's not even my paper tomorrow.


im losing my calm.


hope,

dangles on a string.

time comes to a slow.

seemingly to remind

of how little there is left.

the breathlessnesss

is overwhelming.

i want my 4As

as much as i want llow.

i need to keep my sanity.

1242.

1243.

1244..


suddenly,

everything seems surreal.

after rotting my sagging ass off

in front of the tv for the past 4 hours,

it just struck me.

all the boohoo-i-miss-my-friends-and-school whines

that you see so often in blogs

came rushing into my lazy ass.

for the past month

ive been trying to keep myself

as cool as a cucumber,

trying not to overheat

and to grow my output in tandem

with my potential output (hmm sounds familiar)

to prevent burning out too soon.

as such,

the school-is-ending-ohmigod emotions

never quite got me.

its like dusk,

where the diners start to draw the blinds

and the lights are dimmed.

everything is starting to come to a close

where the end of the day beckons

and a dinner by the candle lays in wait,

for the man to return.

its just that

before cosying up to the lady

at the end of the table

you have to drive through the congested roads,

endure all the noise, smog and curses

of the evening traffic.

As is such a pain in my ass.

its just the last potential barrier (sounds familiar..)

to tunnel through

before reaching the other side.

all is coming to an end.

soon.


bang bang bang.

杀死他


hao lei ah

遗失的美好

not another silly love song.


one day the world will be mine.

one day cats and dogs will stop fighting.

one day Man will stop killing Man.

one day the moon will fall out of orbit.

one day night will never come

and itll be day all day long.

when will the one day be?

i think its the side effect of medication.


i can't take it anymore.

i wanna throw my hands up in the air

and say "screw you world"

and plunge.

this is such a horrible stint.

im missing [[=]]

terribly.

i wanna give up.


the damage has been done.

the consolation hasnt set in.


time

to claw out of this hell of a shit hole.


life used to be so complicated

but easier.

now, its simpler

but harsher, tougher and less secure.

so unfocussed.

maybe the distraction proved too much to handle.

i need a reformatting of the mind.


extraordinary things always happen to me.

most

arent

pleasant.

ill protect whoever who comes along

with all my life

and make her the luckiest , safest and happiest gal

in the whole world.

i swear.

in memory of a special friend,

who'd been hurt so badly.


im a stubborn old fart.

never learn.

stupidly persistent.


i lost the two things

that mattered most to me

in the same week.

and im getting fat.

okay make that three.

music is my only respite.


what's the next worse thing

after a heart break?

the passing of it.


such bitterness

is hard to swallow.


sometimes life can get so unfair

that the whole black white

good bad spectra is overturned

and those stories they tell you

that tomorrow will be a better day

and there's forever hope in life

will appear to be definite gibberish

and nonsense.

maybe adam shouldnt have met eve

and eaten the apple or anything.

maybe its a social problem

that many simple choose to ignore.

maybe its just some people's utter bad luck.

maybe its just in some peoples blood

to harm and strangle others

void them of all rights to live a happy

and untainted life.

why is it a dog eat dog world,

just for the sake of inflicting pain on others?

wheres the justice and hope

and salvation and peace

and joy and love in this screwed up world?

where?

just because man can create all those,

means that

man can take every of those away as he pleases?

wheres the responsibility

then self control

the sympathy for others

that himself advocates so strongly?

people can be so strong

yet so weak under such circumstances.

but its so unfair

that life shortchanged him.

why??????

no one can understand that feeling

unless he has experienced it for himself

or seen it happen on someone he cares dear.

i really really pray for salvation

to come soon,

like NOW.

Hope dangles on a string

Like slow spinning redemption.